Questioning Open Relationships: a look at alternative forms of dating

Spring is upon us and it is officially becoming mating season. For those still single among the coupled lovebirds, it is becoming increasingly apparent that monogamy tends to limit the pool of availability. Unfortunately, the most common solution to this problem is what we call an open relationship, or rather forming spiritual, emotional or physical connections with people other than your significant other. In my experience it’s better to just continue the search for The One.

My problem is not with openly dating a number of different people in general. In fact, I was a notorious dater for a while. I went out when asked, but never seemed to be attached to anyone. I think that’s where this judgment formed.

It’s been a year now, but the details of the confusion that is an open relationship have yet to leave the confines of my tortured head.

From the outset of this particular relationship we agreed that we could see others if the opportunity presented itself. At the time, I didn’t like to talk to people about being with this guy because when I tried to describe what was going on between us, it didn’t seem like we were together at all. But we were, weren’t we?

We went out, spent a lot of time exclusively together, showed up to events together, and definitely acted like a couple. I didn’t push very hard to define our relationship because I was afraid of pushing him away, and as the serial dater that I am, I wanted to keep my options open.

There were times that I felt he wanted me to break up with him and take the burden off his shoulders. But in the back of my stubborn head I figured we weren’t really together anyway, so if he honestly wanted to end it he could do so himself.

In the end, it didn’t matter how many times I actively questioned at the seriousness of this open relationship. Even though I was allowed to see others, my heart still hurt when he decided to announce what I already knew: that he just didn’t like me enough to be with me and me alone. In retrospect, I should have known that it wouldn’t work. He frequently withheld the truth and couldn’t bring himself to just say what he meant or wanted (but ironically hated even the smallest lies).

Like I said, my problem isn’t the open relationship itself. My problem is calling what was being done a type of “relationship” at all. By saying it was I felt that he opened our partnership to the possibility of endurance and official status.

I like things frank and well defined, and frankly I find the definition of an open relationship to be fundamentally flawed. If the most appealing aspect of this form of partnership is in fact the lack of obligation or ties to a single individual then it seems to me that ‘relationship’ as a socially accepted romantic bond between individuals has no place at all in the description. Indeed it seems to me there is no bond at all!

Extending this reasoning further, if sex is involved – which it often is –, I don’t think you should kid yourself by euphemizing. It’s only a hop, skip and a naughty little jump over a fuzzy grey line into Friends with Benefits territory. And hey, if that’s really all you’re looking for, at least be honest with yourself and call it what it is.

Flexibility and variety aside, how is an open relationship any better than a regular one? Security’s obviously not important if your significant other can see anyone ,and if you’re just looking for a good time, commitment’s not an issue.

Maybe an open relationship will really suit you. Before you jump to it, I’d like you to consider these questions.
1) How much attention do you need to be happy? Are you willing to share that attention with others or do you feel that you need to be the tope priority?
2) What do you expect to gain from being in a relationship? Do you just want to get physical or are you looking for something a little more personal?
3) How willing are you to except others and be flexible and accommodating with their time with your lover?

If these questions have assured that an open relationship is still right for you, then by all means, go for it. But, I implore you to make sure you and your partner set mutually agreeable limits and agree to be open and honest with each other.

In the meantime -- maybe it’s the ever-living hopeless romantic within talking -- I’m holding out for the one who is willing to win me over and stick by me only.




Published 22 February 2010, Volume 43, Issue 13 the New University paper